Is Getting a Mail-Order Bride a Good Idea?

[Barbara]

But Joasia, it is not only Muslims in America who have these arranged marriages ; it is the huge
Indian population here. Some are Hindu, some are Muslim, some are Jain.
It's not about which religion but about which culture. Each overseas husband or wife wants to
have a mate from their own cultural background, very understandably.

I knew an Indian Petroleum Engineer graduate student when I was an undergrad. I was curious about many
aspects of life in his background after reading Mollie Kaye's The Far Pavilions [anyone remember that popular book in the 70s !?]
I was intrigued to hear him repeatedly insist that he only trusted his parents at home [Uttar Pradesh state] to select the right wife for him.
In spite of his obvious brilliance [he was a high level executive at the World Bank in Washington in a short few years
after his graduate degrees were finished], he was modest and humble enough to select whomever his parents
thought the best match for him. He has a Muslim graduate student friend from India who did exactly the same. So, it is not
exclusive to any particular religion. This is a popular method of spouse selection in the Subcontinent for probably all youth
who respect and revere their parents !

[JamesR]

I'll be straight forward here. I don't think you are looking for a wife that will share your life in the Orthodox faith. Your views are shady and frankly, I don't like this mentality. But, not surprising considering your age. But, I do think that you are looking for an excuse to get hitched so that you can have non-guilty sex. You consider yourself Orthodox and having sex(outside marriage) is a sin so you are desperate to find a woman that will just marry you and who will be so grateful for the opportunity. This is not an Orthodox perspective of marriage.

I certainly am looking for a wife to share my Orthodox faith with. If I weren't, then I could easily just marry one of the millions of non-Orthodox women available to me in America like my family tells me to and that'd be the end of it. Having sex is a big part of getting married to me, I'll be honest. It's tough being a chaste young man in a world where pornography is only a few clicks away on the internet and women dress in a much more revealing way. That being said though, that isn't the only or even the primary reason why I want to be married. I mostly want to get married because I want a female to love. If I were just looking for sex, I'd fornicate or indulge in some other form of immorality. I want a female to love and wake up next to every morning, a woman to wipe her tears when she cries and make her feel happy every day. I'm not sure if you get it, but it feels extremely lonely to be a single male.

I think your view is very disdainful of Orthodox women and you have a lot of growing up to do.

I'm certainly not trying to be and I think you are misunderstanding me. I'm very respectable toward women--or at least trying to be. I have a little sister who's only 3 years old and I love her to death and have been especially making an effort to be more honorable and respectable toward women so that she will have an example of how a man should treat her.

And you have the audacity to present the muslim marriage example as a viable solution for your desperate situation.

Well, the Muslims did get at least one thing right.

It's really all about you, isn't it??

No; not at all. I'd give my wife anything she wanted, or at least try to.

[JamesR]

This is a popular method of spouse selection in the Subcontinent for probably all youth
who respect and revere their parents !

I certainly wouldn't mind letting my parents--or at least my mother--choose a spouse for me, if it weren't for the fact that they are non-Orthodox and probably wouldn't keep my faith in mind when choosing. I wouldn't mind a female that's a bit more outgoing and fun than me, as I'm kind of shy.

[Maria]

This is a popular method of spouse selection in the Subcontinent for probably all youth
who respect and revere their parents !

I certainly wouldn't mind letting my parents--or at least my mother--choose a spouse for me, if it weren't for the fact that they are non-Orthodox and probably wouldn't keep my faith in mind when choosing. I wouldn't mind a female that's a bit more outgoing and fun than me, as I'm kind of shy.

You will meet a lot of females during your first year as a college student. However, please do study so you can maintain good grades. You want to graduate and get a good job.

[jgress]

James, you shouldn't feel ashamed of your sexual urges. I'm not sure if this was joasia's intention, but it sounded a bit like she was chastising you for being honest about having these urges. In Orthodoxy, we don't customarily go into details about sex, since they can provoke fantasies in others, but we are frank about the fact we have these urges. We're not Victorians who pretend that we never have these feelings.

I think also it is more difficult for a young man than an older woman. It may be harder for joasia to appreciate your struggles for this reason.

It's also good you understand that marriage is not just about sex. It's about sacrificing for each other and for the children (if God blesses you with any).

I suspect one problem is the feeling that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The extremely lengthy process of becoming independent in our culture aggravates this, and is a factor behind the widespread acceptance of pre-marital sex: it doesn't seem natural to expect chastity during the most hormonally-charged period of youth, but it seems equally imprudent to expect young people to settle down and start families when they don't have the means to be financially independent, let alone support a family. These are big concerns and I don't have easy solutions, but you should know I do understand where you're coming from.

My own theory is that the longer wait before marriage is the price we pay as a society for having overall a more stable and secure lifestyle. Provided we go to school and work low-paying jobs at first and save up and earn promotions, we are mostly guaranteed a life free of want and all the uncertainties and vicissitudes that most people at most times in history were faced with.

The best solution for you, if I may offer my own advice, would be to make a plan for getting ready for Christian marriage and set some goals that you can realistically achieve over the next few years, which will ultimately result in being ready for a wife and children. Working hard at school is obviously one thing: this will set you up for a wider range of decent-paying jobs. It's good you've got your driving license now: this is a crucial life skill, especially if you intend to support a wife and children. Saving up is also important, and it sounds like you already have frugal habits. Ask your bank about investing your savings so you can get some income other than just work.

In terms of finding a wife, I agree with the others that mail-order is a bad idea. Much better is to meet women through church: this will guarantee at least that you share faith. If you are clearly working hard towards your life goals that I outlined above, you will be a much more attractive prospect. Talk to young women at church coffee hour, ask them about their plans for life

Your parish priest knows everyone and could be a good matchmaker.

I agree with Lydia that your intentions are sound, and it is very rare in our society for young men to make plans to save sex for marriage.

[jgress]

This is a popular method of spouse selection in the Subcontinent for probably all youth
who respect and revere their parents !

I certainly wouldn't mind letting my parents--or at least my mother--choose a spouse for me, if it weren't for the fact that they are non-Orthodox and probably wouldn't keep my faith in mind when choosing. I wouldn't mind a female that's a bit more outgoing and fun than me, as I'm kind of shy.

You will meet a lot of females during your first year as a college student. However, please do study so you can maintain good grades. You want to graduate and get a good job.

The problem is most of them will not be Orthodox. While I don't think you should rule out non-Orthodox prospects, remember it can be easy to become attached (I speak from experience), and then it will be hard to separate again if the other partner is not willing to convert. Also, most young women these days, like most young men, at least at college, do not have traditional mindsets and expect sex to be part of any relationship before marriage. At least, if you date someone outside of church at college, be clear from the outset about your beliefs and what you're willing and not willing to do before marriage; also, that marriage depends on having the same faith.

If your college has an Orthodox student group, be part of that. You might get lucky.

[Maria]

I certainly wouldn't mind letting my parents--or at least my mother--choose a spouse for me, if it weren't for the fact that they are non-Orthodox and probably wouldn't keep my faith in mind when choosing. I wouldn't mind a female that's a bit more outgoing and fun than me, as I'm kind of shy.

You will meet a lot of females during your first year as a college student. However, please do study so you can maintain good grades. You want to graduate and get a good job.

The problem is most of them will not be Orthodox. While I don't think you should rule out non-Orthodox prospects, remember it can be easy to become attached (I speak from experience), and then it will be hard to separate again if the other partner is not willing to convert. Also, most young women these days, like most young men, at least at college, do not have traditional mindsets and expect sex to be part of any relationship before marriage. At least, if you date someone outside of church at college, be clear from the outset about your beliefs and what you're willing and not willing to do before marriage; also, that marriage depends on having the same faith.

If your college has an Orthodox student group, be part of that. You might get lucky.

I agree with Jonathan's advice.

Many young women who are attending college have been told by their parents to get their degree first and not marry until after they graduate, yet they do expect sex to be a part of the dating game. It is best to avoid such women.

See if there is an OCF on campus or on a nearby college campus.

When I was studying linguistics, I also took a lot of courses in English, American, and Spanish literature where the classroom discussions were very frank and bordered on the obscene or even crossed the line. In addition, the course reading lists were appalling. For that reason, I knew some students who changed their majors from English to history, linguistics, or science. I was also considering an M.A. in English, but likewise decided against it. Please read: The Politically Incorrect Guide to English and American Literature by Elizabeth Kantor, Ph.D.