Question for married posters.

[bogoliubtsy]

If you don't mind sharing...I'm wondering who on this forum is married? If you are, at what age were you/your spouse married? If it was at a relatively young age, do you wish you had waited until you were a bit older?

-I'm not married...btw.

THANKS!

[Mary Kissel]

I don't mind My husband and I were married on Dec. 28, 2002... me at 20 and he at 23(now 24) and (21 in July for me). I dont think we got married at a very young age, others may think that though I don't wish that at all...I'm very happily married! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

In Christ,
Mrs. MaryCecilia K

If you don't mind sharing...I'm wondering who on this forum is married? If you are, at what age were you/your spouse married? If it was at a relatively young age, do you wish you had waited until you were a bit older?

-I'm not married...btw.

THANKS!

[Justin Kissel]

Peter J. Hatala

If you don't mind sharing...I'm wondering who on this forum is married? If you are, at what age were you/your spouse married? If it was at a relatively young age, do you wish you had waited until you were a bit older? -I'm not married...btw.

As my wife already mentioned, we got married at 20 and 23. I'm not sure if that's "too young" or not. Many people in America would say that we should have waited longer (the priest who married us and our sponsors being some of them! ). On the other hand, in many societies, people married at 17, 16, and even 13. Yet, those societies were very different situations (e.g., the life expectancy was 20-30 years less, educational period in life was much shorter for most, etc.).

The events surrounding our marriage were a bit unique, so my wife and I did get married a bit sooner than we had planned (by about 5 months). I don't think either of us regrets getting married at a "young" age though. Both of us had been seriously considering monasticism as a path, but when it became apparent that we weren't to go on that path, but were both to take the marriage, we just wanted to "get on with it".

There are ups, there are downs, we go through most of the same problems that everyone else does. We have fights, we make up, we pray, we fail to pray... normal marital hills and valleys. Of course, we keep our eyes on those marriages which were not normal (as seen in the lives of the saints), but right now we feel at least "normal" (ie. we don't feel like we have a lesser chance of making it than any other couple).

I guess it comes down to two main factors: maturity and determination. Love doesn't keep marriages together (though it makes them worth having!), having determination, and the maturity to work out problems, is what keeps marriages together. Oh, and a little cultural stigmatization of divorce helps, but we don't have that now (even in our Christian Churches). Mary and I aren't mature to any great degree, but we have enough determination (and a solid foundation) that when our maturity fails (which is often), we make it through anyway.

Here's the part that's dangerous for young marriages, though. First, if the determination isn't there, the marriage will have a hard time lasting. Even if there is determination from the beginning, though, the maturity must develop in time, or the marriage will still fail. Too many people get stuck in a "maturity rut" and stay where they are, never learning to deal with life's graces, problems and hassels in an increasingly more mature way (e.g., in an increasingly christocentric way).

Anyway, I'm hardly one to be speaking on marriage considering that I've only been married for five months. Take the above with a grain of salt.

Justin

[Liudmilla]

Justin:
I think your post shows a great deal of maturity, so don't worry it has good sound advice. I too am married. I met my husband late in life and at present can't say that I regret having waited for so long. The last two years have been wonderful, interesting and a definite learning experience.

As an Orthodox person, one needs to approach marriage with the understanding that this is not something that you will abandon if things don't go well. In my opinion, the biggest problem of modern day marriages is the ease with which the marriage can be dissolved if things don't go well. The attitude of "well, if things don't work out we can always get a divorce," defeats the marriage partners before they even start. If however, marriage were approached with an attitude of "this is it for the rest of my life and we have to make it work," then I think more people would wait, reconsider and hestitate before taking that step. They would be more open to compromise between partners, to openess with each other, to remembering that they are a partnership and not a dictatorship. Success of a marriage is often that degree of difference between loving and being in love. The trick is knowing the difference.

I know that some of you will say that the man is the head of the family, but I would say to you that... if marriage makes you one body and the man is the head and the woman the body...then unless the two parts work together there will be nothing but endless strife. Compromise and partnership make the two parts work as a cohesive unit.

As for arguements, they will always occur. Consider that you are two indvidual, independent people, stuck under one roof and told to live together....oy! My mother always used to say that in an arguement it is always better to shut up and stop arguing. One, because in the heat of the moment you are only hurtful to each other. Two, you can make your point another time when either partner is more willing to listen. And three, always apologize even if you are wrong...make no explanations, no justifications, no arguements...just apologize and then shut up. You will be suprised at the effectiveness of this approach.

Good luck to all the newlyweds and good job to the ones that are married and still "newlywed" at heart.

Liudmilla

[Natasha]

My husband & I got married 3 years ago. I was 23 and he was 21. Our parents were a bit hesitant, but no one in the church had any problem with it. One of my fondest memories is of an older Greek priest who exclaimed, "It is good!" at the news of our wedding.
We have no regrets-thankfully!
Of course, you have to take it as a very serious matter. I was so nervous during the ceremony that I was sweating and almost passed out!

[Justin2]

My wife, Marie, and I were married last October (the day after we were baptized) and we were both 24 (I just turned 25 last week). Things were a bit rushed, but not too much. She and I had been living together for three years, as we were not believers, and didn't think it was a big deal at the time. I had to live in the parish house by myself for a week before baptism! We're happily married, and God has constantly blessed our marriage and our lives. No kids yet, though. I ask for six so I can get four, hahaha.

[Joseph]

The Church says that it is not good for one not to be under a vow of obedience. How long can the Orthodox bachelor maintain? I don't know. I seriously considered monasticism for three years before I met (again) the young lady whom I was to marry. She and I were both born in 1976, met in second grade, met again in a cross-town high school, and then by chance we met again during my penultimate year at college. So, we met three times. Interestingly, as some of you may know, everything in the marriage ceremony takes place in triplicate as well. There are many other peculiar "coincidences" that pointed and continue to point us to one another also.

I am very happy that I married at 26 for many reasons, not the least of which is that my approach to religion has improved. Although I may never be a Church regular (look it up), my prayer life as a secular Christian has grown and borne fruit in ways it never could have while I yet lived freely, without a vow of obedience to another. Not everyone is cut out for marriage, fewer still for raising children perhaps. Neither my wife nor I will ever remarry. We each have sworn to take monastic vows in the unhappy event that something terrible should happen to the other, though for the sake of raising any children it may be put off until they are grown. I feel sad when I think about it all...

But for us Christians, Monasticism must ALWAYS be regarded as the most perfect posture of penitence and as such, a vocational calling for all. Yet marriage is the path of joy -- a wonderful blessing that few can bear to miss.